13 Jun Our Unspoken Truth | Austin Boudoir Photography
This is a more personal post…but it pertains to women in general as well. So, here goes.
There is an unspoken truth among us women, I’ve found.
I’ve found this because I am now one of the unlucky women that have discovered this truth for myself.
What’s worse than having a miscarriage? Having complications with your miscarriage. Having to be driven to the doctor office, having to wait in the lobby with healthy pregnant mothers all around, and brand new babies smiling and crying and sleeping and nursing all around you — waiting to take a shot in each hip to terminate the pregnancy, to help the miscarriage along… Because if you don’t, you run the risk of infection, losing a Fallopian Tube…or even your life.
Miscarriage is not talked about. And it’s extra depressing to me that it’s not talked about because it’s one of the most difficult things a woman can experience and something that is lonely and something that you need emotional support to make it through…
I remember when I got pregnant with Utah, my first son, I told everyone right away. I was very early on – I was maybe 4 weeks…but I didn’t care! I was too excited NOT to scream it from the rooftops.
I asked my friend Lorena if I should have told people yet. I wondered if I was jinxing myself. I’ll never forget her answer. She said “Of course you should tell everyone! If something were to happen…everyone would know and you would have support and love surrounding you. You wouldn’t be alone in it.”
I was blessed to have a healthy baby boy at the end of that pregnancy. But now? I can speak from experience. I 100% agree with Lorena.
I’ve had women I barely know reach out to me telling me their truth. Describing their miscarriage. And reassuring me that it does get easier. Even more intense is that I’ve had multiple close friends, and even family members, reach out and tell me their story about their miscarriage. I had no idea they’d gone through it too.
Why are we keeping these “secrets”?
Well, I have a hunch. The feelings I’ve had about it have honestly been very self damaging. And if I didn’t have my friends and family, and especially the women that have gone through this to talk with & process these feelings with — I think I most likely would feel inclined to keep it hidden as well.
Here are just a few of the feelings I’ve had so far:
- feeling overwhelmed
- relief that it’s finally over — then guilt for feeling relief
- fear that I will only have miscarriages from now on
- anger — mostly toward my body
- feeling less than
- jealousy…the list goes on and on and on.
Jen Rozenbaum of Jenerations, a photographer friend of mine, posed a question yesterday morning on her blog asking what being #shamelesslyfeminine meant to everyone. I answered her yesterday morning before I went to that awful doctor appointment yesterday afternoon. It’s crazy how much it resonates now.
My answer was this:
“Being #shamelesslyfeminine is advocating for yourself, for your body, for your choices. Using your voice. Speaking up.”
So, I am SPEAKING UP. I am speaking my truth. And I encourage all of my friends to do the same…when/if they’re ready.
We have this wonderful community of each other. We are the only ones that truly understand and can relate. We need to come together in times like these.
***The ultrasound photo above was from my pregnancy with Utah at 5 weeks***
This is my Utah now, at 3 years old.
Morgan GibsonPosted at 13:12h, 13 June
I’m 21 years old and I’ve already suffered two miscarriages. And the worst thing in the world is to hear people say “Everything happens for a reason”. So, basically they are telling me I’m facing the worse thing possible by losing my baby. That doesn’t make you feel better, it makes you feel worse than what you already do. But with this, you said everything then some of how we feel when we suffer a miscarriage. But to be honest, you never really get over it. And when you get pregnant again, you’re scared that’s all you will have from now on.
Elizabeth ZimmermanPosted at 14:44h, 13 June
You are absolutely right. “Everything happens for a reason” IS the worst thing you can hear when there is a loss of life, no matter how old or young.
I remember attending the funeral of my beautiful cousin who was only a mere 5 years old. He passed away after a long fight with brain cancer. The Reverend made it a point to say that “everything does NOT happen for a reason”. He said it was NOT ok for that beautiful boy to have died at such a young age. This was almost 10 years ago but I remember it so vividly… I felt like he gave us all permission to be pissed, and hurt, and confused, and questioning everything.
So, no. You have not had those miscarriages “for a reason”. And I am so sorry that you have experienced such loss, especially multiple times.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am proud of you.
I send you my love.
TGCK09Posted at 10:44h, 17 June
I lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage two weeks ago (6/4/2014). I could not agree with you more that we need to talk about this more and that being open really helped. I think I’ve been able to deal with this world’s better than I would have if I had had to keep it all a secret. Why is this part of our lives lived in secret and shrouded in …shame? It seems to me like all it does is generate a culture of fear, which is something we do not need! In addition to talking to each other, I wish this topic was talked about more in general population. It’s a weird feeling of invisibility being part of such a huge population.
melodyPosted at 19:54h, 19 October
So proud of you for writing this and helping other women. Love you!
Sasha S.Posted at 21:06h, 04 June
Elizabeth you are so unbelievably brave, & special. I’m so sorry that happened. Thank you for standing up for yourself and women everywhere. You are beautiful and strong and I’m glad to know you.
Ashley DurhamPosted at 21:26h, 04 June
I have had five miscarriages, including once with twins at the end of my first trimester … And although we have been blessed with four beautiful, healthy children now – not a day goes by that I don’t think about them, and get sad about the lost possibilities. It hurts, and it’s okay to hurt. For a long time I didn’t like to talk about it because I felt like somehow it was my fault, that I was a failure, that I had done something wrong to deserve that kind of pain. It took a long time for me to forgive myself and to allow myself to move on.
DaneaPosted at 21:47h, 04 June
Oh Elizabeth, I am so sorry for your loss. I had no idea. It does take courage to speak out and I am sure that this post will touch many women who are thankful that you spoke your truth.
I have a list of personal blog posts that I wasn’t sure if I should write, but reading your story has made realize that it is so important to share our experiences, even if it isn’t something that has affected others personally. Thank you! Sending my love… ♥
laura mcgovernPosted at 11:28h, 05 June
Thank you for continuing to share about this so very important and often unknown topic. As i think we have discussed, I have been right where you are. And you are right it does get easier but it never goes away. I will never ever forgot the overwhelming guilt I felt as i signed the consent to terminate even knowing a baby and myself would never survive in my tube. So many people are ashamed of this and never tell anyone. Im here for you annd anyone anytime. Xoxox
Elizabeth ZimmermanPosted at 17:24h, 06 June
Oh my god, Laura. Yes! The consent form. 🙁 Thank you for your love and support!
Elizabeth ZimmermanPosted at 17:25h, 06 June
Danea — oh that makes me so happy to hear that I’ve inspired you to speak your truth. I love you!
Elizabeth ZimmermanPosted at 17:26h, 06 June
Wow, Ashley! Thank you! Your story gives me hope! Love to you!
Elizabeth ZimmermanPosted at 17:27h, 06 June
Thank you Sasha, so much! I am blessed to call you my friend.